Who Wears Short Shorts

THE FACTS: One day a strapping young lad woke up and thought, "Holy cow! It is 107 degrees outside and all I have are these pants...wait, I know, I'll cut off my pants. Not only will I be cooler, but I will also be making a fashion statement. [Insert my sexy pose!]"

THE POINT: Now both men and women can be seen wearing the young man's vision. So as one of those things that we may experience in life, I had my group of opinions ban together to express their feelings on the matter of shorts, mainly the evolution and current styles of shorts. And joining us will be a man of great skill, The Tailor.

THE DISCUSSION:

THE PROFESSOR: Short have had a great evolution beginning with pants and the slow evolution to shorts. Men in fact use to run around in a one-pieced garb known as a caveman-onsies. You can read all about them in my recent publication available in in the gift shop for the low price of $67.95. I will not be discussing anymore because my book explains everything that we are conversing.

THE PREACHER: Shorts are a sign of the devil! The LORD in HIS goodness and mercy gave us pants for us menfolk and skirts and dresses for the women. We can't go around making abominations of ourselves wearin' shorts. If you wear shorts, you are an instrument of the devil! AMENNNNNN!

THE EMO/GOTH: Why wear shorts? They only make you conform to a group that doesn't even realize the true pain it is causing.

THE REALIST: I seriously don't know why I even come to these "discussions." It doesn't even matter.

THE WALLFLOWER: ...

THE PREACHER: Where's the wallflower?

THE EMO/GOTH: He didn't even show up. What a loser!

THE WALLFLOWER: Guys, I'm right here. I don't want to talk because every time I do, you always shut me dow...

ALL: Who are you? Be quiet! Nobody was talking to you!

THE HIPPIE: Shorts are our way of expressing our freedom man. They encourage love for all of Mother Earth's creatures.

THE CHILD: One time Mommy and me were shopping, and there was a lady and she had shorts up to her butt and I saw her underwear and Mommy said that wasn't very good.

THE TAILOR: Ah shorts, not my favorite topic, but an enjoyable one nonetheless. Most people don't come to me to me have adjustments made but I digress...what were we discussing?

ME: Thank you again everyone. I always enjoy our conversations.

WHAT I THINK: It really doesn't matter to me about what people wear or were their wares originated. Just keep in mind ladies and gentlemen, I do not want to see your underwear. That's not good.

Green Eggs

THE FACTS: Okay, so one day someone say a chicken drop this thing out of its butt and decided, "Okay, I am going to crack this thing...hmm something gooey. I know, I'll eat it." But why? Why would someone subject themself to such a heinous act? Not to say that I, myself, don't enjoy a good egg, but why would someone do this? Think about it...chicken butt+ gooey stuff= a delicious treat?

THE POINT: So I wanted my group of experts inspect this issue once again. And as a bonus, I have invited one of my good friends, The Farmer.

THE DISCUSSION:

THE PROFESSOR: Eggs have been used for centuries. Anthropologists have recently found evidence that an ancient tribe in America, the Umbraaccabra enjoyed eggs around 34 AD. It preposterous that someone looked at a chicken's posterior and decided to indulge. It is most likely that people, through observation and thought have seen animals eating other animal's eggs and decided to imitate this action.

THE PREACHER: Eggs were given to us by the LORD. The LORD saw his people starving and he brought forth the eggs. The people were selfish with the eggs and the LORD punished them by making them come forth from the chicken. The LORD punishes those that are selfish with HIS blessings. The LORD wants those to rejoice in his eggs by not being selfish, but by making them to all. AMENNNNN.

THE EMO/GOTH: Eggs are one of the best things to come out of something's butt. Like the world they have an external shell that tries to be hard, but it cracks under the pressure. And what is left? The crappy goo of its soul.

THE REALIST: The egg really doesn't matter. What happens to the egg? It just cracks...like everything else...it dies.

THE WALLFLOWER: Umm...

ALL: Are you still talking?

THE HIPPIE: For years the mother hen has been oppressed by the man. We must all stand together, be free sister chicken, be free. Let your eggs hatch to new generations...be free!

THE CHILD: Mommy makes good eggs, my favorite is scrambled. Mommy makes the best, but Daddy's are good too.

THE FARMER: Well, Ma an' me owned chicken's for years an my Pappie own's 'em and his Pappie. An wes raise em up an eats them eggs and sometimes wes eats some of them chickens and Ma fries 'em up real good uh huh.

THE HIPPIE: Free the oppressed chickens! Free the oppressed!

ME: Alright, good talk, good talk. Thank you Farmer for your time and thank you again friends for joining us!

WHAT I THINK: Well, regardless of how eggs are viewed, I still think that they are good. Thanks for joining us again friends. Good Morrow.

The 411 on the PB and J

THE FACTS: One day two construction workers were discussing their lunches with each other. One had a peanut butter sandwich, the other had jelly. They decided to swap one piece of bread from their sandwiches. What next? BAM!!! A new American past time. (Not too sure if PB and J is American, but it sounds good)

THE POINT:While the above story is most likely false, it begs the question: Who the hell decided to put the pb with the j? Here my group of experts come with their theories.

THE DISCUSSION:




THE PROFESSOR: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches weren't simply made. It was a simple process of observation. One merely observed that the two things were delicious as a separate entity and then voila, they combined. On a lesser note: I fear for this society if these are the important things.

THE PREACHER: PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY IS SOMETHING OF THIS WORLD. THE LORD ALMIGHTY IS NOT CONCERNED WITH THESE THINGS. JESUS CHRIST DID NOT DIE ON THE CROSS SO YOU CAN ENJOY PEANUT BUTTER. HE DIED ON THE FOR OUR SALVATION. HE CAME TO LEAD US TO HEAVEN. PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY IS AN INSTRUMENT OF THE DEVIL.


ALL: ALLELUIA BROTHER

THE EMO/GOTH: Peanut butter and jelly is just a reminder of the pain that the world brings. It is a constant reminder that there is no longer happiness. It doesn't really matter how the snack was formed. The only thing that matters is that people who eat peanut butter and jelly are buying into false happiness. Adults eat it because they believe that it will bring them back to their simple meaningless childhood. Children eat it because they are forced to by their parents.


THE REALIST: Does this even matter?


THE WALLFLOWER: Well...ummm


ALL: SHUT THE F*$@ UP!


THE HIPPIE: Peanut butter and jelly came into existence because there was like an amazing cosmic explosion between two lonely pieces of bread. The piece of bread with the peanut butter felt incomplete so it started experimenting with all sorts of things like butter and jello and even more peanut butter. It was still unhappy and continued experimenting. The jelly bread was unhappy as well. One day, the peanut butter and jelly met and they knew they were destined to be.

THE CHILD: Yeah, mommy makes me peanut butter and jelly. It's really yummy. Sometimes she uses strawberry jelly, but I like grape better. Sometimes, when I am good, she'll even buy the kind of peanut butter with the peanuts inside, I like that a lot. I love when mommy makes my peanut butter and jelly.

ME: OK, well, thank you experts.

WHAT I THINK: Well, that was certainly interesting. I think that peanut butter and jelly is amazing and you should have some today.

Lemons

THE FACTS:So one day an unbearable optimist looked at his life and thought, "Oh my life isn't so great it's like sour lemons, so what shall I do? I'll make lemonade!" And thus society is stuck with another pointless cliche!

THE POINT: I wanted to have a variety of opinions of how people saw this cliche so I took my esteemed colleagues and asked them to tell me what they thought they would do if life gave them lemons.

THE DISCUSSION:

THE PROFESSOR: When life gives me lemons I take them to my peers, analyze them, put them through strenuous testing and discard them because they have become mush!

THE PREACHER: Did the Lord receive lemons as a sign! NO, the Lord sent fish and bread to be scattered among the people! Lemons are a sign of the DEVIL and we must cast those lemons aside! The lord does not give lemons! He provides us with what we need and we don't need DEVIL LEMONS!!! Amen brothers and sisters!

ALL: Amen?

THE EMO/GOTH: Lemons are the darkest of all fruits, I embrace the lemons because they are all bright and sunny on the outside, but bite a lemon and you get its true soul, sour like the entire world that rejects all.

THE REALIST: LEMONS! Why would anyone want Lemons, they just sit there and rot!

THE WALLFLOWER:Well...

ALL: NOBODY CARES!

THE HIPPIE: When life gives me lemons I set the lemons free. I can't tell the lemons what to do! They are not my lemons but their own lemons and in being their own lemons they are free to live their lives as they need to. And by not imposing authority on the lemons, we become one world that loves and is apart of everything. Groovy huh?

THE CHILD:Teacher says, "If life gives you lemons make lemonade!" so I will because lemonade is yummy!

ME:Alrighty, thank you again for taking time from your busy schedules to assist in my thinking.

WHAT I THINK: So here it goes. When life gives you lemonade, make cranberry sauce and let people wonder how you made it!

Cinderella

This post can also be found on my other blog http://tessieword.blogspot.com/. This blog will mainly be in this format while my other blog is about my life so enjoy.

Do we all have our happy endings or is it just a dream made up for those who are unhappy? People have their fairy tales to keep them on the "right path" or to give them hope, but are these fairy tales true? Let's take the classic view of Cinderella.

THE FACTS: We have a young girl with an "evil" guardian and her equally "evil" step siblings. The poor young girl is enslaved by these evil people being made to do the grunt work of the household. Enter the prince who NEEDS to find a wife. Throw in a ball that Cinderella isn't allowed to go to. Add in a dash of fairy godmother, a pinch of lost glass shoes and the rest is happily ever after.

THE POINT: Now we are getting to the main point of this discussion; what is HAPPILY EVER AFTER? We hear it all the time, but do we know what it means? I had a conversation with the leading experts on this matter and here is what we have concluded.

THE DISCUSSION:

THE PROFESSOR: The happily ever after stems from the wanting of human nature to have a good ending. It is just a thirst brought on by our ancestors as a need for poetic justice. The step-family? They get nothing while meek, good little Cinderella gets it all. The story must end so we as humans need to let it hanging. And this hanging gives us the sense of poetic justice.

THE PREACHER: Cinderella is whom we should all strive to be! When she is told what to do she does it! As she listens to what she is told and she receives SALVATION! Happily ever after is the eternal salvation given to the meek, humble girl that we should all be like! AMEN! ALL: Amen?

THE EMO/GOTH*: Cinderella is the girl nobody gets. Happily ever after is the euphoria she feels after releasing the inner darkness that lays withing the extreme depths of her soul.

THE REALIST: Cinderella had kids and died. That's all it boils down to...WE ALL DIE

THE WALLFLOWER:Well I think...

ALL: SHUT UP!

THE HIPPIE: Cinderella was a groovy chick and she found her far out man in a peaceful explosion of the mind and they were left in a field of flowers forever. Mind blowing isn't it?

THE CHILD:She lived happily ever after.

ME: Well thank you all and I hope we can have another intellectual discussion like this again.

WHAT I THINK: As we change and grow we see things a little bit different. So what is happily ever after? It is what you make it. Believe in your happily ever after, but sometimes listen to what others say too.

*I know gothes and emos are not the same thing to some, and exactly the same to others, I am using the two terms loosely even though they have